An Inner Journey
“On average you live for 80-odd years and then you die. Sometimes quietly in your sleep. Other times, horribly. In between living and dying, some people endure. Others barely manage to survive. Some sell out to materialism. Some buy into religion. The majority search for a meaning to life. And a select few chase their dreams . . . . Ultimately it is your choice. And your life. Cherish it, but never, ever forget to live it.”
– Jacques Marais –
I‘ve never attached much value to birthdays. They’ve always just been numbers following one another in a progression of time and chronology, which, although felt, I’ve never much been bothered by. In this way my life unfolded in a messy jumble of randomness, as it became clear to me early on that chasing goals was not how I preferred to live my life. I, ironically, crave order and predictability. Yet, no matter how much I wanted life to be either black or white, neatly compartmentalised, I learned that it is always a blend of the two. A shapeshifting shade of grey that makes it confusing and exciting in its unpredictability.
Mid-year, with my 5th decade approaching faster than a bullet train, I found myself unsettled and out of sorts. The realisation that I have less life ahead of me than behind me, unless I lived to be a hundred, slowly started to become a thought my mind fixated on. I realised with a flutter in my stomach that I was at one of those exciting and uncomfortable places of transition and reinvention.
In my quiet moments I started to retrace the trajectory of my life, revisited the choices I made, wondered about missed opportunities, and with an overwhelming sense of discomfort grappled with how the place we are born impacts on the kind of people we become, the things we believe, and the choices we ultimately make. Dipping in and out of bouts of anxiety, depression, and gratitude, I gradually redirected my gaze to the future.
At the cusp of this new decade I came to understand that looking back, within, and ahead were essential parts of coming to terms with where I am on the map of my life. And so I did what I gravitate towards in moments like these. I booked a plane ticket, packed my bags, and went offline. This time not to tick off bucket list items, but to revisit the country of my birth, and a town I spent five very formative years in.
It was while tracing the faint outline of my memories through both my inner and outer landscape that I realised the chaotic tangle of desire and opportunity of my youth had been replaced with more structure and tangible goals. And so I am turning my gaze to 2020, and with renewed vigor start to plot out a course of action that will see me living in Portugal for a large chunk of the year.
TO READ:
# David Whyte
# John O’Donohue
Lovely contemplation on ageing. I’ve never worried too much about the numbers but as they get larger you can’t help but be aware of your time passing – especially when you realise you’re past the ‘halfway’ mark. Wishing you a wonderful year ahead and great time in Portugal 🙂
Thank you for your lovely words and wishes, Kay. I find it interesting how we navigate the aging process through the decades, moving from thinking one is invincible until reaching a point where one becomes acutely aware of one’s mortality.
I’m 27 in my head and 71 on the calendar. I embrace the former. Hope 2020 gives you a great kick-along for Portugal. Hey, we want to come visit. Have a wonderful Christmas and an amazing new year.
I like your approach to age, Peggy. We hope so too! I can’t wait for us to start receiving guests. So much to do next year. And thank you for the lovely wishes. I hope you and John will have a joyful Christmas season and that 2020 will bring many happy travel days.
Oh, this post took me back to time before I hit my 5th decade of life and I grappled with the same things. As I am now headed more towards my 6th decade, I stop and wonder where the years went and how did I get here so fast. A few months ago in the blink of an eye my life would change and my outlook and attitude would change when I was in a serious car accident. I am grateful for everyday, grateful all my injuries will heal with time, grateful for my husband and his dedication to caring for me, I couldn’t have done it without him, grateful for my friends, learning to cut out those who cause drama in my life as life is just to short for the nonsense and I am learning how to not take life so seriously. The to do list can wait!
Good for you to detach from the craziness of online and reflect on life and how you want to face the future. We all need to do it more often. Happy holidays to you and may 2020 be your best year yet!
Thank you for the lovely wishes, Terri. I hope it will be a peaceful holiday season for you and your family, and that 2020 will continue to bring healing to your body. It is when we are faced with our mortality that life gains a very different meaning, and like you point out, one always has so much to be grateful for. I am glad you are healing and that you have a good support system. A loving partner and supportive friends are more valuable than all the riches in the world. And like you say ‘the to do list can wait’.
I think your adventures in Portugal portend the start to an exciting second act to your life. It’s always good to stop and reflect on the past and what the future might hold: but I live among older people now, and I find too many of them either act as if they’re still in a past that’s long dead, or they curse the young and everything that has changed. It’s not a good way to grow old, and I’m vowing not to go that path. I’m sure you’ll find a far different way to face aging as well; you have too much imagination and creativity in you. Have a good holiday and a marvelous 2020!
It sounds like you have been given one of those ironic gifts, Hangaku in that living among older people you are constantly reminded of how not to live life. I always thought that aging brings wisdom, but I’ve learned that it is not necessarily the case and that those things we cultivate in our lives and minds seem to amplify in old age, whatever they may be. So a grumpy person will just get grumpier; a joyful person more joyful, etc. A good reminder to use one’s imagination and creativity to live life in a way that is a blessing onto oneself and those around us, instead of being a curse.
Yes, I think our adventures in Portugal come at the perfect time in my life. Not a bad way to start that second act! Have a wonderful holiday season with your loved ones, and I hope your furry child does not get too upset by being left alone again.
Our milestone birthdays can throw us for a loop, Jolandi. I had a very similar experience as you. I don’t think I have figured out the “anwers to life’s persistent questions,” but I try to approach each day with gratitude and a carpe diem attitude, regardless of long-term plans.
I hope your Portugal dream will come true.
I am so glad to hear I am in good company, Tanja. Those persistent questions are perhaps everlasting, as just when I think I have something figured out, something else takes its place, or life makes an unexpected turn. Gratitude and a carpe diem attitude is definitely one of the best ways to approach each day, especially as our long-term plans may never even come to fruition. Someone wise once said something to the tune of “it is how we spend our days that we spend our lives”. I like that.
I like that, too, Jolandi. A good motto to live by.
Best wishes,
Tanja
The river gets faster not slower the further you wade down the stream.
Oh dear! It already feels to me like I am clinging to a life-raft, Ray. 😉
The next line is… racing to catch up with my dream. How it shines, glimmers and gleams. ⚜️
. . . . just before it plunges over the edge of that waterfall . . .
No. Not that, this… 🙂
Years grow shorter, not longer, the more you’ve been on your own, feelings for movie’ grow stronger, so you wonder why you ever go home…
I think I’m a decade ahead of you (although it took me some close reading of the hashtags to figure that out!), and I can say that I’ve rarely felt much older than 30-something for the last few decades. Wiser maybe, and less worried about what people think, so all in all, better off! You have a youthful spirit from what I can glean from words, and your inclination to look into yourself at big moments makes me think you are ready for whatever the years pile onto you! What wonderful things you have to look forward to; wishing you all the best for your special birthday as well as your new life in Portugal!
Thank you for your kind words and lovely wishes, Lex. I definitely like being less fazed by things compared to when I was younger, and I know for sure that it is better to allow the current of life to take me to wherever I need to go than for me to try swim against it. Much better to save my efforts for building a new life in Portugal, as I think I’ll need all the energy I can muster.
I completely understand your inner journey. I passed the 50 mark a few years ago. I think you’re going to enjoy the next phase of your life in Portugal.
I hope so. It will definitely not be boring. And they do say that learning another language keeps the brain young, so that will be severely tested. 😉
It appears you are one of those who know what to do when the time comes. Pretty priceless. 🙂 I wish you a great second half.
Thank you, Manja. I am looking forward to the second half, although at times I wonder if the flutter in my stomach is excitement or fear. 🙂
It was just after my 50th birthday that I began to write my (memoir) book, never expecting that it would ultimately achieve a publishable standard. It seems to me now, that many of those thoughts, emotions, memories that constantly walked with me, have found a place to live outside my head, and my thoughts turn elsewhere.
One of those strands often contemplates the important family members who have lived before me, and what was happening to them at the age I am now. I am constantly amazed at how truncated their lives were in comparison to mine; and that makes me grateful to have the health and opportunities they did not. I have a full and satisfying life, sometimes introvertive and reflective; sometimes so outgoing it is almost wild. There is never one constant.
I think it is healthy to examine ourselves from time to time. To re-adjust those things we do not like about ourselves; to re-assure ourselves that we are okay people at heart, and to re-assess what is important and meaningful.
I’m guessing you are right on course in that project. Welcome to the 5th decade ~;
Thank you, Gwen. I am both nervous and excited about this decade.
The fact that your introspection took you on a journey of discovery and publication is such an inspiration to me, Gwen. I love how writing your memoir gave your thoughts, emotions and memories a different place to live, clearing your mind for other thoughts and projects. What a fantastic way to declutter the mind! I hope your next book is taking shape and that you are having fun with it.
I’m struggling with the next book, but that is the nature of the beast. It takes me a while to work out exactly what is the story I’m trying to tell, and make it engaging for the reader. I’m up to version 5 or 6 🙂
I’m sure you’ll have it all figured out by version 10, Gwen. 😉 Good luck, and may you find joy in the process no matter how long or how many versions it takes.
You inspired me, too, Gwendoline. Thank you for sharing your own experiences.
What a wonderful comment to receive on Christmas morning. Thank you crystal. I notice you like to read on Audible, so I’ll be cheeky and suggest you try my memoir, I Belong to No One. It’s published by Bolinda, and narrated by – me! So you’d have to be able to withstand the Australian accent.LOLHave a very happy festive season.
“withstand?!” You mean “be delighted with!” Thanks for the tip, and I will go find it.
Lovely. We are on the same page I see, as I’ve been in a contemplative mood myself, working on my newsletter and sharing some of the same feelings that you do. Mid-life point, goals, dreams, future-oriented. Here’s to the chase. I hope 2020 finally, goddamn it, brings us the success that we crave. xo
Yes! I cannot agree with you more, Lani. I do hope that 2020 is that year for us. And if not success, I would at least just want a gentler year emotionally. Looking forward to your newsletter. I love them, so by the way. x
Awww, how sweet. I just sent the latest off.
And yes, emotionally more gentle, I’m all in. xo
Oh yes, I’m also currently reading “A Gentleman in Moscow”. So talk about being on the same page. 😉
Ha! I’m almost done. I’m dreading finishing it because what’s next?
I always dread finishing a book. Luckily I still have about half of it left.
Finished it last night. Sad that it ended.
All the best to you for the coming year and your new adventure in Portugal.
Thank you! I hope 2020 will be a kind and joyous year for you.
🙂
I think I felt worse on my fortieth birthday than on my fiftieth or my sixtieth! I am definitely slower than I used to be and I have to visit the hospital more often but it isn’t so bad being older. One can still follow dreams and appreciate beauty and generosity and life is what you make it and shouldn’t be wasted.
Have a happy Christmas Jolandi, and may 2020 be a wonderful year for you.
Thank you, Clare. It is so true that life is precious and that there are always beauty and dreams to pursue, no matter what size or form they take. I always try to remind myself that not everyone is lucky enough to get to fifty or sixty, so there is always something to be grateful for even in those moments of struggle to come to terms with aging and dying. I hope you will have a blessed Christmas and a kind and gentle 2020.
How kind, Jolandi! Thank you.
Thank you for sharing this post with us, Jolandi. It’s been a difficult year for me as well. I’ve been thinking about writing a post on it and yours definitely inspires me to write one. Focussing on 2020 is something I’ve been thinking too. Have a wonderful New Year and may it bring positivity and joy with it. xo
Thank you, Cheryl. I hope you decide to write about it. May 2020 be kinder to you than this one, and may you keep finding delight in your travels and reflections afterwards. It is always a joy to travel with you in cyberspace.
Thank you so much for your kind words! I just wrote the draft and I have thought of your post while writing. Hugs!
May 2020 bring you all those things you are yearning for, Cheryl. Living as an expat is not easy, and although we often tend to only capture and share our joyful moments with others, it is often in our struggles that most of our growth lies. May 2020 bring many blessings for you and Basil.
Hello Jolandi,
Thank you so much for sharing with us. You express it so wonderfully, how we go through different stages in life. I do hope you could ‘enjoy’ some moments of your birthday, and we wish you a blessed winter holidays full of love, health and happiness ❤
I did indeed have lovely birthday moments, thank you, Takami. As always, I appreciate your lovely wishes. Hope you are warm and snug in what must be rather cold in Japan. Wishing you and your husband a joyous 2020.
It was helpful for me to read this. I turn 50 in two weeks and some of the same thoughts are going through my head. As Clare said, I think 40 was harder than 50 will be, and I suspect the impact is related to how I categorize those ages to myself. But you have done the things that always save me in the end: focus on the successes and the journey ahead (especially if it includes travel). You remind us that discomfort probably means some exciting change is happening (for me, change is usually good). I have high hopes for 2020 because 2019 was so filled with transition…I am hoping now I get to settle in and learn my new life. Maybe you’ll be doing that too in Portugal. Perhaps there are fewer years remaining than what you already lived, but they will be your best years, and that is something to look forward to. 😉
We are in an exciting phase of our life, I think, as we move through our various transitions to something different. Wishing you a very happy birthday. I hope 2020 will bring a lot of joy and new adventures for both of us, Crystal. I like how you talk about “settle in and learn my new life”. That is exactly what I will have to do when I make the move to Portugal. Like for you, change is usually good for me too. Let’s celebrate that!
Hooray! So happy that your dream of living long-term in Portugal will be realized this year! They say that everything that makes us happens in the first five years of our life, so it seems we spend lifetimes trying to maneuver around circumstances which shaped us beyond our control. Looking forward to hearing about your new life in Europe and all the insights you will learn as you navigate the next chapter. Happy 2020 and thank you for all your kindness to me in 2019!
Thank you, Atreyee. Mmmm, the first five years of our life . . . an interesting thought to ponder. My silent prayer for this year is smooth dealings with officialdom. Perhaps, just to be safe, I should make a special prayer for that and then commit to go on a pilgrimage when my prayer is answered. Something like walking from my door all the way to Fatima . . . Another thought to ponder. Wishing you a joyful 2020.
PS I deeply enjoy your posts for their excellent content and writing. They are thoughtful, lyrical pieces infused with a sense of who you are and what you like, giving me shadowy glimpses of your life, while evoking a sense of wonder in my heart.
Why, thank you thank you thank you for such a marvelous compliment. I continually struggle with being vulnerable in my writing, so it’s something I’ve been pursuing more bravely through fiction and poetry the past year.
Wishing you many happy writing hours this year, and a joyful dance with your own vulnerability.
Jolandi
50 is nothing. SO much better than 40 (at least for me). Now 60….well, we can talk in 10 years. 🙂
That is why it so great that you are travelling, writing and creating. That is good at any age.
All the best!
Paul
I completely agree with you that travelling, writing and creating is good at any age, Paul. Each decade, I guess has its own joys and challenges. For the most part I love being a little bit wiser each year. Or at least that is what I hope I am. 😉 Hope you enjoy every single day of your 60s.
Wow, this is so inspiring
Thank you! I hope you are enjoying your new home and the decade of your life you are in despite the difficulties of life during this pandemic.
Loved reading this. I turned 50 last October and a lot of things about you felt resonated with me. Particularly the ability to actually understand the fragility of time
I’m so glad it resonated with you, Ananda. I guess each decade brings something else – a different piece of understanding perhaps of the layers of life. I hope your 50s will be a good decade for you.